Chef’s Q and A

Here is the transcript from a recent interview I conducted with myself.  My wife added a couple of questions.

Who are your favorite entertainers?  “I really miss Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé, their brand of entertainment is timeless.”

What are your favorite animals to cook?  “Pigs, ducks, and of course for personal reasons, rabbits.”  “Goats are good too.”

Did you go to culinary school?  “No, $30,000 (at the time) seemed like a lot of money to learn clipboard management.”

Are you a team player?  “Yes, I am, but the manager is not always in tune with the players.”

When are you going back to therapy and face your issues?  (My wife added this one) “Good question, I suppose I really should go sooner than later.”  “I have three major issues that need addressing.”

Out of your wife and you, who is the biggest asshole? (asking for a friend) “I am, no contest.”

You are a reasonable person, are you not?  “No, I’m not.”

Have you ever considered a typing course?  “No, I have not.”

Who is your favorite chef?  “Daniel Humm, his demeanor and style are so intriguing to me.”  “I used to like early Mario Batali the chef, but Mario the red-faced womanizer became an unsavory caricature.”

Do you hate restaurant critics? “Yes, as Marco Pierre White once said, we are being judged by those who know less than we do.”  These mostly self-proclaimed experts on dining are nothing more than novice writers a I am but have no actual career.  “I also dislike critic wannabees on the interwebs. Yelp is not a positive outlet for honest food and dining criticism.” “Keep in mind that there are exceptions to this opinion, but not many.”

What did you have for dinner tonight? “Hoisin pork ribs cooked sous vide at 180˚ for 4 hours, then set on a low grill for about an hour. Perfect.  Not falling off the bone as some people think is the right way to cook them, but tender enough to eat without any toughness.”  “It’s a fine line.” “Deviled potato salad and my pickle juice coleslaw.”

Who would you most like to cook for?  “Well, if it were a possibility, my late sister.  I miss her daily.”  “From a culinary perspective, my first restaurant employer, Mike Iacobacci who owned Mike’s Pizza Adobe in Schenectady.”  I’d like to show him how far I’ve come.”

Where did you grow up?  “When I grow up, I’ll let you know.”  “Schenectady if you must know.”

What was your favorite thing to do as a kid?  “Shag fly balls that my brother Dan would hit to me.”  “Baseball in general, I was the greatest outfielder Schenectady has ever produced, but no one ever taught me how to hit.”  “Any coaches I had then were shit.”

What’s the most annoying thing customers say to you?  “This is good, but my wife’s ____ is better.”  To which I respond, “You say that because she’s sitting next to you, and you have to go home with her.”  “Also, I’d like to see your wife cook her gnocchi while cooking for the other 50 people in this room.”

What is the best advice you can give a home enthusiast?  “Remain a home enthusiast.”

Best tip for the novice getting into the business?  “If you’re a novice, don’t get into the business until you’re a professional.”

What is your favorite fast food?  Burger King Whoppers.  Chefs sometimes like to bullshit about not eating that crap, but they’re bullshitting.”

What’s the worst thing about being a chef?  “There aren’t too many good chef’s positions in our area, so you end up too often working for people who have no idea what they’re doing.”

Final meal before the chair (assuming you’re convicted of killing a Walmart cashier)? “McDonald’s, lots of McDonald’s.”  “It’ll make quite a statement upon the moment of my death.”


2 thoughts on “Chef’s Q and A

  1. I’ve got thoughts on all you’re bullet points, but I’ll comment on one:
    “Out of your wife and you, who is the biggest asshole? (asking for a friend) “I am, no contest.””

    Always the correct answer. True, or not.


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