You Should Know…

…not to argue with morons on Facebook.  After entertaining yourself for a few minutes arguing with a less-than-bright individual on Facebook you come to your senses and realize that trying to convince someone that they’re ignorant is futile since they’re too ignorant to understand how ignorant they are.

…to wear an original costume to a brothel.  A friend in college dressed up as a urinal for Halloween one year with a shirt that said urine for a good time. Trump apparently wore the same costume to a Russian brothel.

…how to do the grocery shopping.

…how to change a baby.

…when to discuss having someone take their clothes off.  My doctor came into the Wine Bar for dinner this week.  When he arrived, I said hello and handed him a scant exam gown.  With a half confused and half angry look he asked “what?”  I reminded him that when I arrive at his workplace…………

…the limit of (breakable) plates that can be stuffed into a bus tub.

…how to listen.  As Judge Judy always says, “You’ve got two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

…when to parent, and when to not. At Stella’s softball game a father was giving his daughter some advice on hitting.  She proceeded to strike out.  Walking off the field she said, “OK daddy, I’m not using your strategy anymore.”

…not to ask for the chef’s personal attention during dinner service, especially on a weekend.  “Hi, we’re having an event there in September, we’d like to come in tonight to work on the menu with the chef.”  “On a Saturday?”

…how to cook scrambled eggs.

…how to make a decent meal at home.

…how to follow a recipe.

…how to make a proper cocktail.

…the menu.

…how to ring in an order accurately, with all the information on the ticket correct.  When I get an order ticket, or dupe into the kitchen I look for more than just what to cook. The first thing I do is read the entire ticket to myself to see if at first glance if it makes sense and to determine if there are any potential issues with the order.  If everything looks ok I call it out to the cooks starting with the first course, then the second and third courses.

Like I said, there’s more to learn by looking at the entire ticket.  The table number is important for several reasons.  One is that the food runner knows where to go.  Simple, right?  Also, since I know the size of the tables I can determine if all the food can fit on the table at once.  Let me splain.  If I get an order from a table of 2 at 46 that has 6 small plates I know to ask the server if they’ve requested everything at once because I know that table 46 is small and 6 plates would be a difficult thing to manage.  If they’re at 41 I don’t worry about it.  Accurate table numbers are important.  Trust me, not everyone can learn the numbers.  Our current staff has it down I’m proud to say.

…how to open Champagne.

Another piece of information I need to be clear is the number of people at the table.  There is more than one reason.  One of the things I do is to match the number of entrees to the number of people at the table.  If they don’t match up, then I check to see if one may have been forgotten.  It sucks for a table of six to have five of them get entrees while the other one waits.

There are other bits of useful information on a ticket that need to be precise, and over many years I have fought with servers for years who simply think I’m being an asshole for expecting that a simple little piece of paper be sent to me with the information I need to make their job easier, to improve the dining experience of your table, and to possibly improve their income a little bit.

…the specials.  …where the fire extinguisher is.  …where the wine key is.  …how to change a tire. …how to mow the lawn.  …how to do laundry.  …how to use a checkbook.

…personal hygiene.

…when to shut your mouth.

…when to speak up.

…that your job depends on performing specific tasks.


…when something is worth the trouble.

…the difference between creative input and just running at the mouth about the crap you’ve done before.

…that you finish pasta in the pan.

…how to go to an interview.  Without their mom.

…how to caramelize onions.

…how to eat a Whopper® while entering a highway.

…how to conduct an interview.  I once went to a working interview in at a small inn in Vermont where I was required to cook for six people.  I was told to purchase whatever I wanted to bring to cook and would be reimbursed.  The restaurant kitchen which was closed that day was available as a pantry.  About halfway into my prep the owner came in and told me that one person was a vegetarian.  That was fine.  Three quarters through the owner returned to let me know there’d be ten for dinner.  I made some adjustments and knew what this guy was up to.  Just a bit later, close to dinner time he informed me that there were too late additions.  I washed my knives and left. Hope they enjoyed their dinner, however many of them there were.

…how to order a coffee without looking like it’s your first time in a coffee shop.  …how to parallel park.  …how to sear a scallop.  …the difference between political bullshit and an honest person speaking.



2 thoughts on “You Should Know…

  1. I’ve never had decent scrambled eggs cooked by someone else. My last (and maybe my first) Whopper was 1999. I took a second bite just to be sure before I threw it in the trash. I haven’t eaten McD’s since then, either.

    Did you cook dinner for us at Tom and Anne’s in 2007?


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